Why You Need Nonviolent Communication in Your Life

Elevate your communication game with Nonviolent Techniques that transform conflicts into connections.

Photo by Kyle Kesterson

I want to introduce you to a powerful tool that’s changed my life and the lives of so many of my clients. It’s called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and it may seem basic, but trust me when I say that its impact is profound. I’ve seen it radically transform personal and professional relationships. Let’s get into it!

What is NVC?

NVC is a communication process developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg as a way of resolving conflict with mutually satisfying solutions. It foregrounds a way of expressing ourselves and listening to others with honesty and compassion, thereby creating connection and fostering understanding.

NVC is what you want to pull out when you’re in a difficult conversation and need to steer things toward a more constructive outcome. It's especially beneficial for business leaders as hard conversations are simply a part of the job, but I recommend it to anyone looking to improve their communication skills. (And who doesn’t want to do that?) Whenever communication becomes difficult, whether it’s a fight with your partner or a disagreement with a colleague, NVC offers a path forward.

Some clients have expressed concern that implementing NVC will dull their edge and their ability to drive results. I assure you it won’t. It will do the opposite. But don’t take my word for it, learn it and check it out for yourself.

How does NVC work?

NVC is in essence, extremely simple – we can break it down into three steps. Simply use the following rubric:

1. The Fact: Begin with an indisputable observation. Imagine a situation that, if recorded on camera, would reveal something the other party couldn't disagree with. Some examples of this are ‘when you showed up to our meeting five minutes late…’;  ‘when you sent an email to our top client with three typos in it…’ or ‘when you said you didn’t want to go on a trip with me…’. You want to describe the situation in a purely objective way.

2. Your Feelings: The next step is to share how that situation made you feel. It involves recognizing and expressing your emotions without blaming others. This mustn’t be an interpretation of how you were wronged, nor is it an opinion. It's simply the statement of a straightforward emotion, such as sadness, anger, or fear. (80ish% of the time, it will be a derivative of one of these three emotions.) This step can be difficult if you’re new to this. Just aim to say “When ___ happened, I felt ___.” If you don’t know what you’re feeling, consult the Emotions Wheel to get specific. Keep it straightforward and resist the urge to make interpretations and justifications. 

3. The Request or Need: Conclude with a clear request that concerns your unmet need in this situation. So often, these unfulfilled needs are the source of our dissatisfaction. Take a moment to consider what specific action you would like the other person to take. Make a clear, and actionable request, while granting the other person the freedom to choose how they respond. Let me stress that requests are not demands, but instead, an invitation to cooperate. Corresponding with the three situations I suggested above, some examples could be: “My request is that you are on time for our meetings going forward.” “My request is that you double-check for typos before you send out an email.” “My request is that you consider inviting me on the next trip you’re organizing.”

And that’s it! Fact + Emotion + Request/Need. Stick to that formula and it will offer powerful results in challenging conversations.

Take it to the next level with praise

I strongly encourage you to also use NVC in a positive context. Our relationships always improve when we make a point of communicating praise, appreciation, and gratitude. For example, try saying, “When you did ___, I felt [a positive emotion]. My request is that you continue doing that!” Practicing NVC in positive situations can help you become more comfortable with the approach when challenging situations arise.

“Saying I’m angry or scared at work doesn’t feel appropriate for me”

Most of my clients don’t feel comfortable saying that they feel angry or scared (or even sad) in a work meeting. I understand that expressing emotions may feel uncomfortable or unsafe, particularly in corporate or semi-corporate environments. I totally get it. We need to know our audience and understand that it may be too much if we fully ‘go there.’

That's why I suggest starting with what I call Diet NVC. Instead of saying you feel angry, try frustrated. Instead of admitting sadness, consider saying you feel disappointed. Instead of using the word fear, take it down a notch to concern. These terms, all completely acceptable in a work environment, still convey emotion while offering a lighter, more manageable version of the feeling.

Common Mistakes and How To Avoid Them

Here are some common mistakes I see first-time users making. 

1. Moving beyond inarguable fact and lapsing into judgment. It’s so easy to slip into judgmental language, attaching evaluations or assumptions to our observations. When you do this, you’ll know it because it is likely to upset your conversation partner. Simply pause, apologize, and rephrase your statement to an inarguable fact.

2. Incorrect expression of feelings. NVC encourages us to identify and express our feelings in response to observed actions or behaviors. However, it is common to mistakenly express thoughts, interpretations, or judgments disguised as feelings. For instance, saying, "I feel like you fucked me over" or "I feel like you were doing this to get back at me" is not expressing a genuine feeling but rather making a judgment. It’s subjective. Instead, you want to relay the impact that the situation has had on you, not your interpretation of the act itself. You do this by simply and profoundly sharing an emotion you feel.

3. Not knowing how you feel. Check out this post to understand more about how to tap into your emotions. Truly knowing what we’re feeling and having the courage to share that is paramount in effective communication. Often people will skip this step when they don’t know how they feel, or they are too scared to share their emotions, but this is the magic part of the whole equation. I want to encourage you to find it in you to try this out. It might just change your life.

4. Saying that you need something that isn’t a need. Check out this Needs Inventory for a list of our human needs. If you need one of those, say as much! Otherwise, it’s likely to be a request, so qualify what you’re saying with “My request is ___.”

5. Believing that NVC is solely about avoiding or minimizing conflict. Not true! While NVC aims to foster understanding and bring about peaceful resolutions, it does not mean avoiding difficult conversations or shying away from expressing challenging emotions. NVC encourages open and honest communication and shows us that conflict can be constructive. We must turn toward our interpersonal challenges and address them head-on.

By being aware of these potential mistakes, you can approach NVC with a more balanced perspective and improve your ability to apply the principles effectively and authentically. Remember that practice and ongoing self-reflection are key to mastering NVC. 

The courage to implement NVC

Putting NVC into practice requires courage, especially when it’s time for you to share how you feel. I promise it’s worth it – that courage will be rewarded! Give it a try and see how NVC transforms your difficult conversations. You may just discover that this changes the game for you.