When Dealing with Difficult Situations, Don’t Cancel Out Conflicting Emotions
In complicated situations, it’s easy for conflicting emotions to get canceled out. But we’ve gotta make space to integrate both sides of what we’re feeling.
One of my clients had a big offsite coming up for his leadership team that he’d been planning for months. It was the year's most important event, and everyone needed to be there.
Sure enough, 10 days before the offsite, one of his leaders comes to him and says, “Unfortunately, the rehearsal dinner for my wedding conflicts with the offsite, so I don’t think I’ll be able to make the whole thing.”
Given the importance of the offsite and all the planning that went into it and the fact that he cared about this guy personally, a whole mix of emotions arose. He felt like he was in a bind. What was the solution, and how could he possibly deal with the strange mix of feelings that were coming up?
On the one hand, he felt anger, frustration, and annoyance because this had been on the calendar for months, and he had clearly communicated that everyone needed to show up. But he also felt joy for someone he cared deeply about. He was happy that his colleague was celebrating a big milestone. He wanted him to have a beautiful and meaningful experience. He wanted him to feel good, enjoy the festivities, and know that he was supported.
When all of these feelings got stirred up together, he felt like his feelings weren’t justified. The feelings of anger and the feelings of joy canceled each other out. He decided that he shouldn’t say anything, he should just swallow his feelings. How could he be such a jerk to feel annoyed when someone was getting married? He decided to not say anything, and instead just privately stewed on it. His feelings bounced back and forth in an exhausting loop because he couldn’t share them and he didn’t allow himself to fully feel them.
Feeling It All
So what’s the solution here? I believe the answer lies in feeling each of our feelings, one at a time, starting with the one that is most intense and present. And then to share the mix of emotions you feel about the situation with that person.
That’s not necessarily an easy thing to do. Conflicting emotions can create a kind of cognitive dissonance as we struggle to hold the ambiguity of opposing viewpoints. This often creates an intense desire to resolve the tension of opposites by shifting fully to one side or the other. But because we can’t fully suppress one side of what we’re feeling, we end up oscillating back and forth between the two until we end up in a mushy place in the middle, where we’re not feeling much of anything at all. A huge amount of energy gets drained in this emotional tug-of-war, which also tends to cloud our judgment and decision-making.
I gained some good insight into how to approach conflicting emotions from the Hoffman Process, a week-long personal growth retreat that focuses on healing our relationship with our families of origin and the patterns we’ve inherited from them. Let me explain.
In February 2024, I went to the Hoffman Process, a challenging but highly rewarding experience that I would recommend to anyone interested. One of the brilliant things Hoffman does is help you split out your feelings about your parents or primary caregivers so that you can finally permit yourself to feel it all. In a typical parent-child relationship, the child likely feels some anger and frustration about how they were raised, and they likely also feel love, gratitude, and compassion.
Because we feel a combination of emotions, we stay in a kind of emotional gridlock where we don’t fully allow ourselves to feel either of those emotions. On one side, it’s How could I be angry at them for that one thing when they did so much for me? And on the other side, it’s How can I be fully grateful for them when they f*cked me up in XYZ way? The emotional energy of this conflict is exhausting, so we end up releasing ourselves from the tension by throwing a wet towel on all of our feelings towards our parents.
We don’t let ourselves fully feel and process all the stuff we’ve been building up inside around our caregivers. And as a result, we don’t share what we’re feeling, either. That’s how feelings can get stuck in our bodies for a lifetime. Hoffman is a great resource for teasing that out, allowing you to safely feel those emotions, and ultimately let them go.
Tell It Like It Is
Back to the situation with my client: the task was to feel each emotion separately, one at a time. He did that through a process of bringing awareness to what he felt, and where he felt it in his body. Breathing and allowing the emotions to be there. Feeling them, connecting with them, and seeing if they have any wisdom or healthy message.
Then the next step was to communicate this with his teammate. I am a big fan of the Nonviolent Communication format for these kinds of conversations. What that looked like was “Hey X, when you let me know about your rehearsal dinner conflicting with our offsite, I felt a mix of emotions. On the one hand, I felt really happy for you. I want this to be a special experience for you. On the other hand, I feel frustrated because three months ago, I communicated that it was absolutely imperative that everyone show up to this offsite, and now you’re notifying me at the last minute that you can’t make some of it. It makes me feel frustrated and concerned about your ability to honor what this team needs. I really value team cohesiveness and I need you to attend all offsites going forward. I’d love to discuss what we can do about this.”
The result, his teammate did end up going to the rehearsal dinner and missing some of the offsite. But his teammate was also deeply aware of the impact that this had on my client and their team. In the end, feedback was delivered, well wishes were still communicated to someone he cared about, and a hard conversation was had without him being a jerk. The feedback was well-received because of the way it was delivered, and the teammate was able to enjoy his rehearsal dinner—but he’ll think twice about double-booking next time there’s an important team event.
As I’ve said before, sometimes the biggest moments in our lives bring a smorgasbord of emotions. When you find yourself in a soup of mixed emotions, don’t cancel them out. Feel each feeling fully, and communicate what you need to with the relevant parties.
That’s how you handle sticky situations with respect and kindness, and that’s how you process your emotions and move on in a healthy manner. Done and done.