The Pyramid of Communication: A Model for Mindful Conversations
For difficult or sensitive conversations, escalate your communication as humanely and synchronously as possible to avoid misunderstandings and support positive outcomes.
The ease of digital communications makes it faster and simpler to do a lot of things. Unfortunately, having difficult or sensitive conversations is not one of them. As most of us have experienced at least once, relegating tough discussions or negative feedback to email, Slack, or text can have consequences ranging from the mildly awkward to the truly disastrous, creating needless misunderstandings, tension, and conflict rather than supporting clarity and collaboration.
Once upon a time, talking to other human beings face-to-face was the norm. Now, any time there’s an important conversation to be had, we have an array of options: Should you email, text, Slack, call, or sit down with the person face-to-face? Which platform is most appropriate for which kind of communication?
In my coaching practice, I’ve seen countless issues exacerbated by improper communication approaches—usually, it involves a founder or CEO choosing text-based digital communications over an in-person conversation for a sensitive or important matter. Instead of initiating an in-person conversation with an employee who’s made a mistake or a co-founder they’re not seeing eye-to-eye with, they either take their time to craft a pointed and well-thought-out email, or they get on chat and ‘Slack it out’.
But what email and chat offer in terms of ease and efficiency, they lack in humanity, empathy, and nuance. Here’s the general rule: If you have something hard to say to someone who matters to you, make your communication as humane and synchronous (meaning, “in real time”) as possible. Pick up the phone, hop on a video call, or better yet, go see them in person. Oh, and make it private, too. In general, praise in public, and deliver feedback in private.
Skillful communication is a huge component of successful leadership, and it includes your choice of words, your tone, your capacity to listen, and the medium through which you choose to communicate. Effectively holding a conversation that involves intense emotions, negative feedback, hurt feelings or bad news isn’t necessarily an easy or intuitive thing to do. In my experience, it’s actually a learned skill—one that’s essential to success in business and that takes some time and practice to really master.
There’s a handy model of communication I use with my clients, which I call the Pyramid of Ideal Forms of Communication. As you move up the pyramid, communication improves as you’re able to take in more relevant information from the other person, including body language, emotional tenor, and tone of voice.
Bottom of the pyramid: Written digital communications. At the bottom of the pyramid, you have all of the various ways our modern technologically advanced society has provided for us to communicate more or less asynchronously via the written word. This includes messages sent via email, text, WhatsApp, Slack, Signal, snail mail, etc. This type of communication is best for light conversation, sharing of non-sensitive information, uncomplicated logistics, and everyday collaboration and decision-making.
Second level of the pyramid: Spoken but asynchronous communications. This includes a voice note, a Voxer, or even a recorded video. It offers a bit more of a personal touch but doesn’t give the recipient a chance to engage and respond in real-time. This level is appropriate for communications with more emotional or personal content, or very mild feedback or criticism, but not for more charged conversations.
Third level of the pyramid: Spoken, synchronous communication. This level includes phone calls, Zoom meetings, or any other kind of live video chat. You’re engaging in a direct, real-time conversation to hash out more complex issues or decisions, or to talk through more challenging issues. It’s not ideal for very sensitive or challenging conversations but can work if in-person engagement isn’t an option.
Top of the pyramid: Face-to-face communication. At the very top of the pyramid, we find the gold standard of communication: in-person communication, face-to-face with someone, making direct eye contact. Face-to-face is key here, as this allows for more clear and compassionate communication than, say, sitting side-by-side in a car and not looking at each other.
Considering that the content of what’s being said in any given conversation is only an estimated 7% of total human-to-human communication, it’s easy to see why asynchronous forms of communication like email and text are at the bottom of the pyramid—no matter what, you’re missing out on a tremendous amount of nonverbal information. Once you add audio, you move up a rung by incorporating tone of voice, inflection, and timing. Moving to video, then, provides even more information by incorporating facial cues and expressions. At the top of the pyramid, with face-to-face communication, you have access to all the information from the other person that’s available.
And yes, despite being able to see and hear the other person, video is still inferior to in-person. While we haven’t quite figured out that certain je ne sais quoi of communication that’s available in-person but gets lost on video, most of us are well aware of the difference. There’s an energetic exchange that occurs in human contact that just doesn’t fully translate through the screen—it feels different. Part of it is being able to take in the person’s entire body, not just their face. Maybe they’re clenching their fists or leaning back with their arms crossed—both important clues that can help you to attune to their state and adjust your delivery accordingly.
Of course, there are some notable exceptions to the hierarchy of the pyramid. In some situations, communicating emotional content in text form is effective and appropriate, like sending a sincere handwritten thank-you card. Email might also be appropriate if you need to clearly lay out the facts of a challenging situation. If you’re not well prepared with what you want to say, or if you’re aware that the person might respond in a way that flusters you or throws you off-balance, shifting down to a lower rung of the pyramid could make sense—as long as you’re not doing it from a place of avoidance. Similarly, in the case of a difficult discussion at a team meeting, it can be beneficial to have your team offer written thoughts about a particularly sticky problem in advance of the meeting to release tensions and drive the in-person conversations forward productively.
When to Escalate Up the Pyramid
Generally speaking, the more important the conversation, the higher on the pyramid you need to go. After all, if you’re having a conflict with your spouse, you probably wouldn’t hash it out in an email. The same goes for the workplace: get together face-to-face and talk it out. If you need to relay feedback to an underperforming team member, please don’t do it over Slack. Book a meeting room and talk it out over coffee, or if you’re remote, hop on a Zoom call. Don’t resort to email or a phone call when you could have a more empathetic and effective conversation by moving higher up the pyramid.
The synchronous aspect is key here: When you have a challenging message to deliver, you want to be there to see the impact and observe how it “lands” with the other person. Chances are, it won’t land perfectly—which is why you want to be there so you can clean it up in real time. You want to make sure you’re being clear and compassionate in your communication and that the person isn’t misinterpreting your words. Misunderstandings happen all the time in text-based communications, which is why being able to see how your words are being received in the moment is key to avoiding needless tension and conflict.
If you get snagged up while interacting with someone, move your communications up the chain as quickly as possible. If you’re exchanging emails with a colleague and you can sense it’s starting to get tense or heated, go to their desk right away and talk it out with them—or, at a minimum, pick up the phone. Or if you are driving with your spouse and start to get into a fight, as soon as possible, get face to face when you dialogue so you can see each other. You may even want to pull over to resolve the conflict right away.
What we’re really doing here is training your awareness to pick up the exact point where the conversation turns from cordial and amicable to tense or adversarial. That is when you need to stop and escalate as far up the pyramid as you can.
The pyramid model also applies to sales. The best way, by far, to deliver a sales pitch to prospective clients is in-person. Research has shown that we tend to significantly overestimate our ability to be persuasive via email while underestimating the chances that people will say “yes” to us when making the same request in person. The more humanity is infused in the situation, the more persuasion, inspiration, and collaboration becomes possible. It’s worth making the effort to get in some face time!
As you work on honing your mindful communication skills, be aware of whether you have a comfort zone within the pyramid. Chances are, you’re more comfortable at the bottom. When things get hard, it’s easier to sit alone and craft a lengthy email because that’s where you can articulate exactly how you feel, or you want to win the argument, or you’re just scared of saying it to their face. Whatever the reason, it’s important to bring awareness to your own habits and to what gets in the way of moving up the pyramid. Then you can start to experiment with escalating conversations and build more comfort in the higher rungs.
We’re still humans, after all: When we look into each other’s eyes, the deepened connection and compassion can soften tensions and support mutual understanding and resolution. This can be a game-changer for your business over time. Give the pyramid model a try and drop me a line to let me know how it supports your ability to connect, collaborate and meet with others on common ground.