Stop doing this if you want more genuine connection in your life
If you want to truly connect, try getting on the same level.
When was the last time someone tried to dunk on you?
We’ve all had the experience of connecting with a new friend or acquaintance (or trying to connect), and the whole conversation is them talking about all the cool, important things they’re doing and the influential people they’re hanging out with. Yep, this person is trying to dunk on you.
What does dunking on someone mean? There are many different definitions these days. Urban Dictionary’s top definition is to own someone with words or make them look foolish. For this article, I’m using it in the context of putting yourself way above the person you are talking to.
Dunking is an underhanded and often unconscious tactic for establishing superiority. How does it make you feel to be on the receiving end? Probably not great, and probably also not very connected to the person. Dunking does not lead to a pleasant conversation. It’s not an energizing conversation.
We all do this sometimes—it’s a common behavior. But it’s worth looking at the underlying habits of mind that drive it, and exploring how placing ourselves above (or below) others can block genuine, loving connections.
Seeking Approval
Most of us, myself included, are looking for love and connection. This is my deepest yearning as a human. We want to be liked, loved, and approved of. It’s our nature as social animals.
And if we’re being honest, most of us also want to impress others.
While these desires are valid, we must be careful that they’re not running the show—because when they are, they can get in the way of the connection we’re truly longing for.
I’ve noticed that many of us (especially in the start-up world) try to get this loving connection by impressing people and trying to win them over. Name-dropping. Casually mentioning who we were with and what kind of enviable thing we were doing. In other words, dunking.
We put so much effort into making ourselves appear legitimate, worthy, or successful. And I want to suggest that most of these efforts do not yield more love and connection—they actually block it. (Sadly, we humans have a way of undermining our own best intentions.)
Let’s look at how sizing ourselves up in relation to others leads to this behavior, and why we should try to do things differently.
Get On the Same Level
We’re all equal—most of us know this intellectually, if not in practice. In a perfect world, we want to be on the same level as everyone else and treat others as if they are on the same level as us.
Spiritual concepts are usually an unattainable ideal, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for them. And in this case, I think the ideal is pretty attainable if we can stay aware of our tendencies for evaluation and comparison, and work on cultivating compassion.
The Dalai Lama says: "I always say that every person on this Earth has the freedom to pursue happiness, and we are all the same: mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are all human beings. Each of us wants to live a happy life; we all have the same basic rights. Therefore, we should treat each other with a sense of oneness and equality."
There’s a fairly simple way to do this: Treat everyone like a human being, no better or worse than you. Your Uber driver. Your CEO. That cool person you want to be friends with. The girl or guy who seems out of your league. It starts with a mindset shift of seeing everyone as being on the same level as you.
You’re Probably Not Impressing Anyone
For some of us—particularly in the startup world—this is a major mindset shift.
One of my clients is the co-founder of a fast-growing startup. He puts fellow CEOs and VCs on a pedestal and often feels nervous and not worthy around them. He worries about what he says in their presence, he cares what they think about him.
And then he does the opposite with his employees. He puts them beneath him. He judges them. He doesn’t think they have what it takes to succeed. He doesn’t care about them that much.
You can start to see the two sides of this coin. If you put certain folks on pedestals, you will put yourself on a pedestal above others. By doing this, we are perpetuating disconnection in our lives. A good way to get more comfortable in the presence of big-name founders and VCs is to drop the story of who they are and just treat them as people. You should treat your employees as people too, giving them the same energy and honoring as you would meeting your idol.
It’s not difficult to see how getting the balance wrong here can lead to a lot of problems, both internal and interpersonal. Has it ever occurred that trying to be above the person you’re trying to connect with might actually block the connection?
We spend so much time trying to improve our station in life and be above others. To have a nicer house or go on fancier vacations than our friends, to have more money than our friends, to be more well-connected than our friends, to lift more at the gym than them. We are constantly trying to flex, we are constantly trying to prove our worth. We want to appear more successful than we are, so we talk ourselves up. Often, it’s subtle and largely unconscious, but we are still trying to one-up others to gain approval.
Let me be crystal clear: To connect deeply, we have to be on the same level. A basic human level. We are all humans. Fundamentally we are all the same. We must look each other in the eyes and treat each other with basic dignity and respect. Getting to a place of embodying this 100% is a process. But the point is that if we all relaxed about trying to be above others, we would invite so much more love and authentic connection into our lives.
My Imperfect Track Record
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been great at this throughout my life.
I used to have a habit of putting people on pedestals: VCs, prominent founders, CEOs, professional athletes, older white men who look like my dad, etc. That has come with a whole host of problems—feeling nervous before public speaking, getting flustered, feeling stressed, not establishing my boundaries, putting myself last, and feeling less than. And in many cases, I’ve been disappointed when these people have proven unworthy of being looked up to.
And I’ll be honest, I’ve also placed myself above others. This has led to thought patterns of feeling like I should be “above” certain things that other people struggle with. I’ve done so much personal development work, so I shouldn’t be struggling with this. I eat well and am super healthy, therefore I shouldn’t get sick, only unhealthy people do. I’m a fancy startup founder, these people aren’t worth my time. There’s no one legit in this room. You get the idea. Not pretty.
At the end of the day, what I want most is to belong and feel connected to the people I care about. And yet, I was expending so much effort trying to be accepted by trying to appear “better” than.
Ironically, it was when I grew out of this behavior and stopped caring so much about trying to impress people—or be impressed by others who had it “better” than me—that I started to really fill my life with more genuine, fulfilling relationships.
The Vulnerability Hack
A good way to quickly connect is by being vulnerable and real about what’s challenging for you.
Next time you introduce yourself, think twice about sharing how you’re basically crushing it in every area of your life. People can’t connect with something that isn’t real. Taking the opposite stance and sharing something that you’re struggling with can open the door to more connection with others. I’m not talking about complaining (which my friends and wife say I do from time to time - I’m trying to clean this up), I’m talking about just being honest about what you’re going through. Don’t be ungrateful, just be honest.
This isn’t the Vulnerability Olympics, so don’t turn it into a chance to one-up others with your struggles (we’ve all seen how things can go in this direction on social media). It’s just a moment to be real about where you’re at, the good and the bad.
Everyone’s life is basically a mixed bag, no matter what station they’re at. There’s usually some good stuff and some challenging stuff. That’s just life. So if you can be honest about what’s hard for you right now, you will be connecting with something real in others, which communicates that you are on the same level as them.
The takeaway: Get down off the pedestal, or pull yourself up out of the hole that you think you’re in. Trust in everyone’s basic goodness, including your own. We’re all on this messy, wonderful human journey together. Let’s enjoy it.
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