Introducing Relational Abundance: The Number-One Indicator of A Good Life

Having strong relationships is likely the most direct path to living a good life. Cultivating relational abundance tends to also lead to many other forms of abundance — creative, professional, financial, spiritual, and more.

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When you think of an abundant life, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Is it the vacation home, sending your kids to private school, and enjoying luxurious meals? Or living a creative life and having the freedom and flexibility to pursue your dreams? What about having a close-knit family, lots of time with the people you love, and a strong sense of community?

While we’ve been conditioned to equate abundance with financial success, true abundance is something much more subjective. A truly rich life looks different for each person. But no matter what your own personal concept of wealth is — whatever your idea of the good life — there’s one thing that is non-negotiable when it comes to experiencing a true sense of richness in life, and that is connection.

Having strong friendships and a rich network of meaningful and supportive connections in your life is what I think of as “relational abundance.” This is a useful concept because the degree of relational abundance is a strong indicator of how well your life is going on several different levels. If you want to live a more fulfilling, thriving life, one of the best things you can do is level up your relational abundance.

I first came across this term from my friend Kevin F. Adler, founder of the nonprofit Miracle Messages, whose mission is to rebuild social support systems for unhoused individuals and families. At a recent lunch, Kevin told me, “Relational poverty is poverty.” What he meant by that — and what he knows from experience — is that if you don’t have good friends or a strong support network, then you are essentially living an impoverished life. It took me a moment to really absorb what he was saying, and since then, the statement has really stuck with me. It has become a lens through which I view life, one that’s proved highly accurate for myself and for my clients.

Whether you have a little or a lot of money in the bank, it’s truly the quality of your connections that determines the quality of your life. If you are poor in relationships, you will feel poor in life. If you are abundant in strong relationships you will feel wealthy, because you’ll always have love, support, nourishment, joy, and security — the things that we so often seek to buy with money.

I took this idea and started to run with it. When I ask myself what contributes to living a good life for me, it largely comes down to the people I get to be around on a regular or semi-regular basis; the web of social connections and belonging of which I consider myself to be a part. It’s the quality of those interactions, and the joy and adventure I experience with those people. The regulation that my body feels after having a good conversation. It’s the support we give and receive in the good moments and the tough ones. That for me is what makes a good life.

One of the most difficult times of my life was when I couldn’t see those people at all during the pandemic. I found myself becoming a bit muted, depressed, and unmotivated. I no longer felt the same sense of vitality and excitement for life that I used to feel on a regular basis. It was a rough time for me. And it wasn’t because anything major was happening. Relatively speaking, I had so much to be grateful for. Everyone in my life was healthy, I didn’t experience much financial loss, and my marriage was in a good place. And still, the isolation made me feel like the richness was gone from my life.

Relational Poverty & Isolation

It’s one thing to go through hardship — we all do as human beings. But going through hardship without a support system or community can be devastating. When we have a strong support system, we bounce back faster, we’re more resilient, and we’re more likely to experience growth and positive change, even in the wake of difficult and traumatic experiences. There’s a huge amount of research showing that people with strong social support networks are more resilient to stress.

Conversely, isolation often impedes resilience and recovery from adversity, failure, and loss. Whether it’s a supportive spouse, a good group of friends, or a trusted therapist or coach, we need others to help us through life’s difficulties. But it’s not just in difficult or traumatic times that we need social support. Even the positive milestones in life — getting married, having a baby, moving, or launching a business — can prove challenging and stressful when we’re going through them on our own.

Here’s a much more extreme example of the risks of relational poverty from my friend Kevin: for many lower-income people, social connections are the difference between remaining housed or living on the street. In June 2022, 61% of Americans were living paycheck to paycheck — and if you overlay that fact with the reality of ‘shit happens,’ it’s only a matter of time before each of those people is on the ropes. What helps them keep a roof over their heads? Most often, it’s family or community pitching in to rally for those people and help them make rent that month. The reason more people aren’t homeless, according to Kevin, is because the relationships they’ve fostered are there to support them in critical times.

Relational Abundance & Connectedness

I believe that strong relationships are themselves the greatest form of abundance that makes us feel rich and fulfilled in life. But one of the wonderful things about relational abundance is that it tends to lead to many other forms of abundance — creative, professional, financial, spiritual, and more.

For one: a strong social network often begets career and financial opportunities. I’ve personally had the opportunity to become a co-founder and CEO/President of several dynamic and impactful startups all because of my network and friendships. (My first startup was created with my best friend at the time.) I also unlocked an amazing career opportunity with Founders Pledge through the power of my network. See my post on leveraging a combination of focus and personal connections to make big things happen.

When it comes to investments, all the real money I’ve made from investing also traces back to opportunities with friends. Whether it was an invitation to invest in a friend’s startup that looked promising, an introduction to a successful fund, or a timely lecture on certain crypto tokens, much of my personal wealth has been generated indirectly through my friendships.

And don’t even get me started on the health implications of being connected with friends and community vs. being isolated. This has been written about ad nauseam, so I’m not going to get into it here, except to quote the famous statement that loneliness is worse for your health than smoking a pack of cigarettes a day and can shorten your life by 15 years. As they say, health is wealth — and the benefits of strong relationships for physical and mental health are difficult to overstate. I’d add here the enormous benefit for your energy levels and overall life force and vitality. (Of course, being healthier and having more energy then often contributes to greater abundance in business and finances! It’s a virtuous cycle. And we like virtuous cycles around here) There’s a huge ripple effect of relational abundance on most aspects of our lives.

I could go on and on. Clearly, there are a ton of reasons why putting in the time and effort to cultivate and maintain a thriving social network and awesome friendships are, simply put, the best investment you can make in this life. Let’s get into how we make that happen.

How to be Relationally Abundant

Being relationally abundant is usually not something that just happens on its own — at least it didn’t for me. This could be true for some naturally extraverted people, but it wasn’t in my case. I consciously put a lot of effort into building my friendships and network, and it’s an investment that consistently pays off.

I’ve moved cities a handful of times in my adult life, which can make relationship-building more difficult. Whenever I moved somewhere new, I would spend the first year investing a significant amount of time in meeting new people. I have consistently stuck with this practice of investing in and prioritizing friendships. That means scheduling weekend trips, picking up the phone, extending the invitation, and showing up when it matters. With consistent investment over time, the benefits start to compound and incredible things can happen.

Some of the more unexpected perks have included being able to buy a nice house off the market during a competitive time in a challenging real estate market and getting access to private investment opportunities with successful companies. It also includes being able to go to Burning Man each year with an awesome group of people and getting great referrals for my executive coaching business. Those are more of the ‘braggy’ perks. The ones that are most meaningful to me are being able to experience the comfort and joy of being able to be in the physical presence of people I love on a daily basis, having friends to call when I’m struggling, and being able to gather for fun and great conversation.

The key point is this: it takes intentional effort to become relationally abundant. It takes a fundamental shift in focus — one that will reward you tenfold for the effort you put in. I firmly believe that it’s the best investment of time and energy that you can make in your life.

Ask yourself: What’s your honest evaluation of where you’re at right now in your relationships and social network? Where do you want to be? Who are five people you could invest more time in right now? What’s holding you back from investing more of your energy toward building your network of awesome people? Don’t let time be the issue; make this a priority. If your goal is to have more fun, live a more meaningful life, or even enjoy greater career and financial success, the answer is simple: focus on your relational abundance and watch those connections bear fruit in all areas of your life.