How To Overcome 'Nice Guy' Syndrome

I’ve been there—so many of us guys have. If you’ve struggled with playing the role of the “nice guy,” the people-pleaser or the doormat, this one's for you.

Photo by Kyle Kesterson

I’ve always considered myself an easygoing kind of guy. For a good chunk of my life, I was too easygoing. I was the people-pleaser, the guy with no boundaries, the one who never expressed anger or aggression. I let a lot of things slide without speaking up. In other words, I was the “nice guy.” 

As a recovering nice guy, I have observed many other men struggle with the same tendencies, and I’ve seen the negative impact it can have on their relationships, both work and romantic partnerships.

If you identify as a nice guy, here’s a thought to chew on: your nice guy routine may not be doing anyone any favors, least of all yourself. In fact, it might actually be the cause of dysfunction in your relationships. I’d go so far as to say that it's as bad for your relationships (or possibly worse) than any corresponding aggressive behavior you might be receiving from your partner. If you want to get your relationships functional again, you’ve gotta heal the nice guy pattern with honesty and courage.

A caveat right up front: In this post I’m writing mainly to men in a heterosexual romantic context, but what I’m saying can (and should!) be applied to all genders in romantic partnerships as well as business relationships. (Women, of course, have their own set of challenges in this department—also known as the “good girl” pattern.) Simply adapt this information to fit your own situation.

Here at The Unlock, I’ve talked a lot about turning on feedback. It’s one of the core pillars of my work. That’s because when we can give and receive honest feedback, we radically expand our capacity to grow, evolve, find solutions, and create better outcomes. Whether at work or at home, relationships need honest feedback in order to thrive. Feedback is the new breakfast of champions. 

Being a nice guy or overly “nice” in general is a destructive force in relationships because you are not allowing the mechanism of feedback to be turned on. You’re not being honest enough to give feedback to the other person, which means you are denying them the opportunity to improve and do what’s needed to deepen the relationship. You’re also making it a lot harder to have the kind of open, honest, and direct communication that is the foundation of any successful relationship. 

Back in my nice guy days, I wasn’t honest with myself or others about what I wanted in certain situations. I’d minimize my own wants and certainly not speak up about them. As a result, many of my relationships (personal and professional) weren’t functional. I would hold back from sharing what was actually important to me. Holding back my emotions and not wanting to rock the boat led to resentment, which actually prevented some of my relationships from thriving. It didn’t work. Fortunately, I woke up to the destructive impact of my nice guy behaviors and found another way.

Get your emotions—especially anger—back online

If you’re a nice guy, you probably have a habit of ignoring or denying how you really feel. More than likely, you learned as a child to swallow your own emotions as a way to avoid conflict and keep the peace. Now, the first thing you need to do is start listening to what your emotions are telling you. And if you’ve been too nice for too long, there’s probably some real anger there. (For a deeper dive on this, check out this post on how to not be carried away by emotions, and this one on alchemizing anger.) 

When we’re disconnected from our emotions, we’re not in touch with our felt experience of situations and how they’re impacting us. When I first started getting in touch with my emotions, I got very clear on how I was feeling about certain things that were going on in my relationships. Suddenly I had an entirely new dataset to help me assess what was happening in my relationships to understand whether or not it was healthy and supportive. 

Most importantly, having access to my true feelings gave me guidance about what I needed to express and communicate. This is one of the great gifts of our emotions—they are messengers with important insights to convey. We are blessed with a navigational system that runs in the background 24/7, notifying us when we should pay attention to something, when we need to stop or course-correct, and when we might need to gather the courage to speak up. I learned that my anger, for instance, often signaled a boundary violation that needed to be corrected. When I was able to deliver feedback and talk openly, it opened up a new level of respect, honesty, and intimacy in my relationships. 

This is the fast track to healthier relationships: Understand what you’re feeling, decipher the healthy message of your emotion, and share it with your partner using the principles of non-violent communication. (I won’t go deeper into NVC here as I’ve written about it at length—check out that post if you’re new to it.)

Get real with yourself about what you want

One of the core traits of the nice guy (or good girl) is the denial of one’s own desires. If you don’t like the word desire, you can interchange it with what you want in any given situation. It’s a pattern of putting aside what you want to instead focus on accommodating the needs and desires of others—especially, your romantic partner. We typically learn how to do this as a kid, brushing our desires aside to appease one or both of our parents.

To shift this pattern, you first need to know that there is nothing wrong with your desires. We all have desires ranging from socially appropriate to more shadow desires; it’s part of being human. Some of these desires might be more acceptable than others, but you should strive to internally accept that these desires exist for you. Whatever thoughts or desires arise, “good” or “bad”, we experience the full range, and we must strive to bring acceptance to them.

The first step is normalizing this for yourself. The second step is knowing that your desires are OK, and to be OK internally with your desires. Bring acceptance to the fact that your psyche created this desire as a way to try and get some kind of need met. It’s OK and it’s totally normal. But it’s on you to discern whether or not acting on this desire is going to bring more or less love into your life or whether it might cause harm to you or others. Most of our shadow desires shouldn’t be acted on, but there is a ton of value in acknowledging and accepting that they exist inside of you. 

Healing your inner nice guy means fully accepting your desires, sharing them with your partner when appropriate, and choosing whether to act on them. You might be surprised how simply owning your desires opens up more effective communication, honesty, and intimacy.

What about at work? As a leader, start flexing the muscle of desire by getting clear on what you want from each collaboration, project, or situation. Then, give those desires a seat at the table by expressing and acting on them as appropriate. This will make you less easygoing, but that’s likely a good thing for your business and relationships. For those of us with doormat tendencies, learning to be assertive and taking up more space is beneficial. Get in the habit of asking yourself: What do I want to make happen here? What do I actually want to say in this meeting? How do I really feel about what’s going on right now? 

Get real with others about your appropriate desires

When you’ve identified a desire that you need to share with your partner, I recommend doing this in an intentional way. Set aside some time on the weekend or evening when you have the time and space to talk about it. Share with your partner your intention to open up more deeply and be honest about how you’re feeling. Know that your desires may or may not be met in the way that you want, and be kind and gentle with yourself regardless of how your partner responds. 

This is a practice, and one that gets easier with time. Remember that the larger goal is to establish a culture in your relationship where you and your partner make all desires OK. It doesn’t mean you’ll go out and act on them. But you acknowledge that as human beings we all have desires and that our desires deserve to be accepted and given their place.

Get real with yourself (and others) about your truth

Just as you have a constellation of desires within you, you also have an internal system of what’s honest and real for you. Different than objective reality, this is your perspective and your lived experience, as well as your ideas, needs, and boundaries. It’s how you really feel about things. 

When is it time to say something? If your partner is doing something that doesn’t feel right to you or treats you in a way that doesn’t feel good, don’t just swallow it. This generally means it’s time to speak up. I recommend communicating using the NVC equation of Fact + Emotion + Request/Need. 

If you don’t speak up and relay your feedback, your partner has no idea how their actions are impacting you and therefore won’t have a chance to change their behavior. If you hate that your partner is always 5 minutes late to meet you, say something! Don’t just make a snarky comment or silently judge them and let resentment build. Sure, they might eventually get the hint through your passive aggressiveness, but this is not generally the most effective way to create change and deepen respect and trust. There is much more power in speaking your truth directly and with care.

Take the leap of faith to share what’s real for you and trust that your words will be received. Know that you are honoring yourself, your partner, and your relationship by speaking your truth. By not sharing, you are contributing to negative outcomes in the relationship. In the communications theory known as Radical Candor, “ruinous empathy” is being “nice” in a way that is unhelpful because you’re afraid to challenge the person or make them uncomfortable. This is where so many problems lie in relationships—people being nice and keeping quiet with what they need to say. This is also known as conflict avoidance. It’s the relationship that looks good on the outside but is a house of cards on the inside. With someone who is more aggressive or even an asshole, at least you know where they stand and you can work with it. With a nice person who minimizes themselves, you don’t actually know where they stand and you have little to work with. 

Commit to speaking what’s real for you with the intention of deep care for your partner and an intention to make your relationship smoother and better. When honesty comes first, everybody wins.